The Weekly Dissect
Entry 4 - “Justin Bieber In Reverse”
by Drew Dammron
Tonight is the night for the premiere of the Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber, which unfortunately for the producers was pre-recorded weeks ago. I say “unfortunately” because there could have had way more material to work with if they had only waited to tape after last night. It’s also safe to say that a new sushi roll will be named after The Biebs. READ MORE
On Sunday night, Bieber was spotted at a Miami sushi restaurant where he suddenly broke out in a solo with his chopsticks. The gawkers in the restaurant seemed to be impressed and awe-struck by the impromptu performance, but one important man in particular was not so amused: the sushi chef. One should never cross a sushi chef.
At the conclusion of the unwarranted racket, the chef promptly lured Bieber into the back room with the promise of a delightful surprise. Believing he was about to receive free dessert, Bieber nonchalantly followed the chef into the darkest corner of the employees-only section of the establishment.
Once there, Bieber was suddenly ambushed by several apprentice chefs who held him down and yanked off his sweaty leather pants. After a moment of struggle, the head chef walked up with his sushikiri knife, a look of glee in his eyes, and swiftly castrated the pop star against a chopping block. Luckily for Bieber, he had just recently turned twenty-one and had been legally drinking at several local bars before arriving at the restaurant.
One would think that such an incident would be the end of Justin Bieber, but au contraire, this may in fact be the best thing that could have happened to his career. Without the testosterone coursing through his body, he now will be reverted to his former, pre-pubescent self that millions of fans adored. No more mustache, no more bad Vanilla Ice vibe (as though there were a good vibe), and no more deep, masculine voice. All he needs to do now is cut his hair like Ellen DeGeneres again and all will be well in the universe.