The Weekly Dissect
Entry 2 - “The Wrath of The Tiger Blood”
by Drew Dammron
On Monday night, Charlie Sheen was spotted by paparazzi photographers with a posse that included Darius McCrary of Family Matters fame. When asked for his opinion on how Chuck Lorre ended Two and a Half Men and ultimately his character’s life, Sheen responded with an ominous warning to the producer. “You must feel safe where you live,” Sheen said beside a grinning McCrary. Many would believe that this is simply one of Sheen’s humorous tirades and should not be taken seriously, but the events that transpired later in the week, which the mainstream media chose to ignore, prove that the wrath of the tiger blood should not be underestimated. READ MORE
When one thinks of the casts of shows like Family Matters and Two and a Half Men, it is unlikely that murder and carnage come to mind. But what is becoming increasingly apparent is that a certain level of psychosis comes into play when one becomes a fallen star. One actor who previously exemplified this is Dustin Diamond, whose erratic and unpredictable behavior is becoming an increasingly real cause for concern. Recently he pulled out a knife in a crowded bar and stabbed one of the patrons in a mad rage. It would be too complacent to believe that other struggling stars such as Darius McCrary and the rest of the Family Matters cast are immune to this phenomenon, especially when coupled with the companionship of a volatile personality such as Charlie Sheen. When McCrary realized how distraught his friend Sheen was over the handling of the ending to Two and a Half Men, it was clear that revenge was nigh.
Two days after the run in with the paparazzi, Sheen and McCrary decided to recruit the aid of a now thirty-eight year old Jaleel White (Steve Urkel) and Reginald Vel Johnson (Carl Winslow). Little to Sheen and McCary’s knowledge, their two accomplices had grown delusional over the years following the conclusion of Family Matters, believing in their minds that they truly were their sitcom characters in real life. There is speculation that White and Vel Johnson have embodied their fictional personalities in an effort to reestablish their former glory days. Regardless of the reason behind the mental breakdown, Sheen and McCrary knew that the instability could be used to their advantage.
The night following the recruitment, the four soon-to-be murderers drove up to the gated entrance to the secured neighborhood where Chuck Lorre’s mansion is located. Vel Johnson, dressed in his Carl Winslow police uniform, was given no resistance upon flashing his fake badge to the guard in the booth. With a snorting Steve Urkel and others in the back seat, Vel Johnson pulled up to the curb before the enormous home and they all prepared for battle.
Of course it was up to Steve Urkel to provide the weapon. Snorting and laughing his nasal laugh, he pulled out a sack of termites much like the super termites featured in the Family Matters episode, “Home Sweet Home.” “That’s bitchin!” Sheen said after seeing the deadly insects frantically crawling on each other through the transparent plastic. “Nicely done, my friend. I was afraid you were going to bring that pussy Urkelbot with you.” Sheen then proceeded to pound a bottle of real tiger blood in five swift gulps. “Ah…”
After crawling into the home through a kitchen window that Vel Johnson graciously broke with his knight stick, the dejected sitcom stars crept up the stairs and into the bedroom of the slumbering Lorre. As McCrary and Vel Johnson held down the terrified producer on his bed, Sheen pried Lorre’s mouth open with his bare hands. Urkel then proceeded to pour the super termites down Lorre’s throat and they instantly commenced to feast on his entrails. “Did I do that?” Urkel said, snorting. “Winning!” Sheen gloated as Lorre bled out.
Stars rise and stars fall. It’s a natural cycle. One thing for certain though is that just because a person has gained a high level of success in life, it does not mean that that person is any less prone to the follies of the human psyche.