The Weekly Dissect

Entry 1 - “The Authenticity of Bruce Jenner”
by Drew Dammron
March 8, 2015

Mainstream news sources reported on February 7, 2015 that Olympian and reality TV star Bruce Jenner was involved in a horrible car accident on the Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu, California that caused one fatality and several injuries.  Jenner had very little to say publicly about the incident but his people clarified that he was not under the influence of any inhibiting substances and that he was fully cooperating with authorities.  It has since been determined that Jenner was telling the truth about his sobriety but that he had perhaps been following too closely behind the flow of traffic.  

Weeks later, a pearl dress worn by Mexican-Kenyan actress Lupita Nyong’o during the 87th Academy Awards was stolen from her hotel room.  Shortly after, the pearls were deemed fake and the dress was mysteriously returned to a public restroom in the same hotel.  No suspects were apprehended.  The mainstream media wants you to believe that these two incidents are completely unrelated.  The Weekly Dissect begs to differ.  Read More...

 Our sources tell us that the whole mess stems from Kanye West’s obsession over the authenticity of art, and for him, there is no greater art form than the human body.  West has long been in the business of extreme body modification, transforming the physiques of former girlfriends to the point that they became manikin-like and androgynous.  Much like the plasticity of the vocals in his music, West has approached the human form in the same manner as evidenced in his wife Kim Kardashian, who has a bottom made of recycled aluminum alloy from a Pontiac Firebird and hair dyed with the same chemical that bleached Michael Jackson’s skin.  Hidden deep within the earthquake shelter underneath the West-Kardashian mansion is the chamber where these grotesque procedures are performed.

Not far down the road, Bruce Jenner had the peculiar habit of examining himself in a vertical wall mirror, miming the athletic moves that had given him Olympic gold and eventually lead him to be a golden boy for reality TV.  But the glory that came with being exploited by E! Entertainment was not enough to satisfy his craving for true artistic greatness.  He became increasingly jealous of Kim Kardashian as she transformed into the masterpiece that Kanye West was always meant to bless the world with.  Jenner decided to take matters into his own hands and shave down his Adam’s apple with a jigsaw and apply massive amounts of skin softener to his rough exterior.  Nevertheless, he knew that it wasn’t enough to compete with the incomparable work of Kanye West. 

One fateful morning, as Jenner was strutting before his mirror, West suddenly stuck his head through an open window and mocked him for not understanding what “real art is.”  Enraged and humiliated by the poignant words of his genius step-son-in-law, Jenner vowed right then and there that he would soon become a greater piece of art than Kim Kardashian, or any of the Kardashian women for that matter.  The E! Entertainment audience, nay…the world would soon know what real art truly is.

Driving down the road in his black SUV moments after the insult, Jenner realized that he needed to acquire a dress.  Not just any dress, but a dress that would immediately solidify him as the Adonis that he was meant to be.  At that moment, one-time actress Kim Howe was pulling out of her driveway to run some errands for a party in celebration of the anniversary of when she appeared on screen for five seconds with Elvis Presley in the 1967 musical-comedy-crime drama, Double Trouble.  As she drove down the pacific coast highway in her white sedan, Howe realized that she was being tailed at a very high speed by her neighbor, Bruce Jenner.  “I knew I had to have that dress,” Jenner later candidly told our reporter, referring to the puffy German Alpine Apron Howe wore opposite Presley during her five seconds of fame.

Blinded by obsession and jealously, Jenner rear-ended Howe, who was pushed into oncoming traffic, causing the collision that instantly killed her.  As the smoke and insanity dissipated, Jenner realized the folly of what he had done.  “Anything would have been better than the truth,” Jenner told our reporter, “so I made it look like an accident.  I almost wish that I had been drinking at that moment.”

Shortly after returning home from the accident scene, the jealousy and urgency for transformation returned to Jenner, Kanye West’s harsh words echoing through his mind.  Knowing that his actions had caused enough carnage, he fought his urges and suppressed his belligerent tendencies until the night he sat down and watched Lupita Nyong’o walk down the red carpet in her pearly dress.  “It was more glorious than Shroud of Turin,” Jenner claimed.  “I would truly be a masterpiece wearing that ensemble.”

Upon sneaking into Nyong’o’s hotel room and stealing the dress, Jenner believed in his heart that his transformation would finally be complete.  Back in the privacy and safety of his home, he donned the dress and pranced before the mirror, admiring how his muscles bulged through the fabric and how the peals accentuated the whites of his eyes.  “Nothing that Kim Kardashian could do with her ass could top the beauty of this dress.”

Unfortunately for Jenner though, the satisfaction was short-lived and it all came to a head when it was disclosed to the mainstream media that the pearls on the dress had been manufactured.  “I realized that just like those pearls, my life was a fabrication, a sick dream meant for premium consumption.  Even if I had succeeded in becoming the piece of art that I strived to be, it would have served no purpose other than for the commercial enjoyment of others.”  Devastated, Jenner took the dress off and his naked body melted to the floor.  “After my breakdown though, I knew what I had to do.  Principles before personalities, I had to return the dress to its rightful owner.”

Hence, the pearly garment of lies was returned to the hotel from where it came.  The mainstream media, being the logical and orderly machine that it is, conveys what everybody would believe and easily understand at the surface about this happening.  Case closed.  You can all go home now.  Nothing more to see here.  Of course, that’s not how the world really works.

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